Ok, in light of all the past week’s happenings, it time for a reconnaissance. (And as anyone who goes through this knows, military terms are precisely the most appropriate, because all this now becomes a battle of the cells, the Goodies vs. the Badies.)
The spinal scare put everything into perspective. (And there is always “perspective” to be had. Remember, no matter how bad off you are, there is almost always someone who has it worse.) So here’s the situation: My boob is now officially trying to kill me. It’s that simple. I know there are some good soldiers left in there, but sometimes you’ve got to make sacrifices. They’ve been infiltrated by the Badies and they just can’t be weeded out. Left breast, I loved you most, and this is the thanks I get. Off you go then. “Y’a dead ta me!” Ptuh. (*spits on ground*)
While I am not happy about going to the hospital, my attitude now is, “Get ‘er Done!”
While I’ve given the gory details of every difficult moment, don’t let that misconstrue the tone of life on these days. I still went out for drinks and generally enjoyed the visit of my sister. Watching both parts of Kill Bill seemed terribly appropriate and inspirational! I’ve developed an M.O. for the emotional ride and it goes like this: if you feel sad, sit down and just let it out for 5 minutes. You blubber all you want. Give yourself a break.
My sister taught me after mom died that mourning is hard work but it has to be done. It’s not fun, but being tough all the time is just not real. The emotional work also has to be done or it will come back and bite you on the ass later. With breast cancer, it didn’t even occur to me (aside from the spinal scare) that I wouldn’t ultimately “win”, at least for the time being. But there are still things to mourn. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t. As positive as you are, it just plain sucks to be doing this. But when your cry time is up, pull yourself together, put it back on the shelf where it belongs, and get back to life. And it works surprisingly well.