Reporting live from Leuven –
Sarah sat in a chair today for half an hour! Sources close to the patient say she regained much of her original color after happy hour around 4:30 local time. A pint of Ye Olde A- put the roses back in her cheeks and pushed that nagging headache out of the way. The patient’s mysterious English love interest snuck past paparazzi with a large boquet of flowers early in the afternoon and wasn’t seen leaving until after 9:00. A nurse who has worked closely with the patient reports she was wearing her own pyjamas early this morning. She also claims that the patient’s lunch tray came back with half the chicken breast, half the salad, and a whole yogurt missing. As her sister was in the cafeteria at the time, odds are that Sarah actually ate these things herself!
We in the newsroom have confirmed that the patient sat in a chair for a full thirty minutes and instructed friends and family on back-massage and hair-combing technique. She spoke in long, loud sentences for stretches of up to 10 minutes. She was not up to receiving phone calls today but insisted that the mobile phone stay in her room tonight “just in case.” Dr. Awesome made a cameo appearance and pronounced that tomorrow’s show would be “much much better” than today’s. Apparently, “opening night” is always the the worst.
Inside sources report that the pain meds have not been entirely satisfactory, but since the blood pressure is back to normal, the patient may be able to choose new representation in that department. Rumour has it that several hours of varying quality television offered distraction tonight and the patient felt sleepy enough to turn off the TV in the middle of a particularly gripping episode of House M.D. and go to sleep. Dammit.
A nurse in-the-know told this reporter that ensuring a good blood supply and preventing blood clots in the new blood vessels is the most precarious part of recovery, and most critical in the first 48 hours. I’m not entirely sure what day it is, but the faint thumping coming from the clubs of this cozy college town is a good indicator that it is indeed midnight on Thursday and we have passed the two-day test with flying colors.
I hope the readership of this fine publication will forgive the low quality of this reporting, but the pressure of this situation has brought insiders to their knees. We have watched so many medical professionals of all sizes, shapes, and colors walk into the room, unbutton my sister’s shirt, poke, prod, squint and then pronounce “perfection” as they walk away with smiles of satisfaction, delight, and the feeling of a job well done. It is like the setup of a joke happening in front of my eyes again and again. I keep waiting for a priest, a rabbi, and Bill Clinton to walk into the room…
We are forbidden to crack a joke until she can laugh without having stomach pain!!