A Little Fear

Ok so, I’m going to admit I’ve been having some shadowy fears pop up this week. I know that this is natural, particularly after doing the whole cancer thing, but that reasoning hasn’t been enough to quite make it go away this time.

I’ve been experiencing pins and needles in my legs off and on for about a week. Not intensely. Not the kind I get when exercising for the first time in a while. Not the kind I blogged about earlier from getting overheated. These are not an itch. They’re just…prickly. The tinyiest scratch over a particular spot chases it away, but of course there will be little spots lightly buzzing around the legs, not just one. It’s gentle, not intense or dense. As a matter of fact I’ve been telling myself it is just imagination since it started. I don’t feel it when I’m moving or absorbed in something, just when I’m sitting still – say watching TV. Notably, I haven’t felt it when I go to bed at night, when I might most expect it. That gives me hope that it’s all paranoia.

I’m hoping that it is some side affect of Tamoxifen or something else. My worst fear? That it is MS. I can hardly even stand to type that. I’m fighting that fear because I think the negative feeling it brings is the worst thing for a person – in any event. I haven’t even mentioned it to anyone because I know the fear it would strike into the hearts of my family as well. I can’t imagine such a terrible turn of luck after all this. I mean – I am nearing the age my mother was when she was diagnosed. Maybe that is enough to bring out imagined symptoms? I don’t even want to have such a dark thought. But I have to admit it has been lurking.



Filed under this time THIS year

2 responses to “A Little Fear

  1. Ugh! Sarah! I hate it when that happens. That kind of paranoia/hypochondria/foresight/intuition is definitely NOT welcome around these parts. The worst of it is that it’s too small to take to a Dr without feeling completely idiotic yet worrisome enough to keep you up nights. Am I right? It’s like already having arthritis then being told breast cancer metastasizes to the bones most often. Sheesh! Kill me why don’t you?

    I have 2 cousins with confirmed MS and another that had been diagnosed but now they think it’s something completely unknown. Either way I understand your fear. So, I am choosing to place my fingers firmly in my ears, hum a lively tune and believe your symptoms are a manifestation of your worries at reaching the same age your mother was at diagnosis.

  2. Sarah, this is just so natural to do. Your mind is going where it wants to and your subconscious has it by the hand, leading it there.

    That your mother had this and developed it at the age you are now — it’s normal that you would go there with your thoughts. That you have had breast cancer and your mind already knows disease and what it can do…also natural.

    I would go with the most obvious first…side effect to drugs. Could easily be the tamoxifen (did you have taxol or taxotere? Could also be a late side effect from one of those as both are culprits in this area)…and I would call your doctor to have it checked out.

    Rule out all the easy things first and foremost…I always follow the 2 week rule. If something is still annoying me after 2 weeks, time to get it checked out.

    ((((((big hug))))) because what you are going through is emotionally draining and we all “get it” like others might not. You are in my thoughts…come back and let us know how things are with you.

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